Harry Potter and the Tooth Fiend
by Elf Princess Bloom
Summary: There's a new evil in town and he's determined to find and destroy the one who 'hath bestowed upon him a most heinous and utterly bewildering crime'.


DISCLAIMER: Do not own them!!! Don't own spiderman either!!!  
  
Okay, so all I did was take out the first chapter to make it into a one- shot deal. Which means, this is it. Hope you like.  
  
*************************  
  
"Maroon?" Harry Potter questioned uncertainly as he held up the sweater that all the Weasley children (honorary or otherwise) recieved every Christmas. "But I thought that was your color?" he asked, turning to his best friend.  
  
Ron laughed mischeviously, "I don't know, all of a sudden mum's got this idea in her head that it's your new favorite color."  
  
Harry responded by throwing a brightly wrapped package at his head. "Wow, thanks Harry!" Ron exclaimed as he examined his brand new set of Chudley Canons action figures.  
  
"Yeah... hey, who's this one from?" Harry asked suddenly, picking up a small package wrapped in muggle newspaper.  
  
"Dunno... why don't you open it?"  
  
Harry carefully unwrapped the package to expose a toothbrush and a note, which he read aloud for Ron to hear, "Use it well..."  
  
"That one has Dumbledore written all over it."  
  
"Getting a bit stingey though, isn't he? Although, this is a rather spiffing toothbrush. And... hey! it has Spiderman on it!"  
  
"Who's Spiderman?"  
  
Harry shook his head in disgust, "Your lack of knowledge in the area of muggles astounds me."  
  
"No, I'm serious, who is he?"  
  
Hermione chose that moment to come bursting into the room. "Happy Christmas!" She cried excitedly, handing them both presents. "Oh, Harry, is that a Spiderman toothbrush you've got there?"  
  
Harry nodded.  
  
"Who sent it?"  
  
"Who the hell is Spiderman?" Ron interrupted.  
  
"We think it was Dumbledore, but there wasn't a name with it," Harry replied, ignoring him.  
  
"Why would he want to remain anonymous? Don't tell me that belonged to your father as well..."  
  
Harry Blinked, "Thats disgusting. No, it's brand new."  
  
"Oh... well, you two should hurry up and get dressed, so we can go down to breakfast." Hermione said, staring at them expectantly.  
  
Harry and Ron looked at each other.  
  
"What?"  
  
"We can't get dressed with you in here, now can we?" Harry asked finally, grinning.  
  
Hermione blushed. "Oh, right... sorry. I'll just wait for you downstairs then."  
  
She left quickly. _______________________________________________________________  
  
Little did Harry and Ron know that whilst they were getting dressed, an evil eye was watching them through a microscopic camera in Harry's new toothbrush. That is, until Ron threw his shirt on top of it. The evil person belonging to that evil eye laughed maniaclly, "No matter, for soon I will discover the true criminal that hath bestowed upon me a most heinous and utterly bewildering crime!"  
  
The laughter suddenly stopped as Harry snatched up the toothbrush and made his way to the bathroom. The evil one leaned forward, now five inches away from the screen. A panda came waddling into the room to stop a short distance from his master and give a polite grunt. He looked down lovingly at it, "Soon, my precious, soon."  
  
____________________________________________________________  
  
Harry raised the toothbrush to his mouth, prepared to stroke his teeth and gums gently with it, so as not to cause bleeding, when suddenly, he began twitching madly.  
  
"What's wrong?" Ron asked fearfully.  
  
"I don't know... something keeps shocking me. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"  
  
Harry stopped ubruptly, "why are you screaming?"  
  
Ron shrugged, "well, I didn't know what else to do."  
  
"Fair enough," he resumed the twitching.  
  
__________________________________________________________  
  
"NO NO NO!" the villain cried, now exasperated.  
  
"What is wrong, my lord?" the panda asked, looking worried.  
  
"I forgot... electronic devices go haywire around magic!"  
  
"Oh no! Whatever shall we do?" the beast cried in a high pitched girly voice.  
  
"There is a spell we might use, so that the camera may work correctly. But first we need someone brave enough to go in there and perform-"  
  
"I believe I may be of some assistance!" a blonde haired boy cried, leaping out of nowhere.  
  
The villain lept back in fright, peeing a little and hoping no one would notice. "Who- who are you?"  
  
"Why I'm Draco Malfoy, Super Slytherin!"  
  
"And you believe you can get the job done for me?"  
  
"I have never once failed a mission. Just name the time and place, and how much you'll be paying me."  
  
"If you truly are as great as you say, then you shall be rewarded handsomely. I will give you one wish... whatever you so desire. AFTER you do your part."  
  
"It's a deal."  
  
"Fine then. You shall do it tonight, at 7 o'clock, while everyone's eating dinner."  
  
________________________________________________________  
  
That night at dinner Harry was relieved that the pain in his head had ceased, but was still a little nervous as he had not been able to figure out what was shocking him. He glanced casually around the room, his eyes resting on an empty chair. What was Malfoy up to now? He had no time to further that thought as suddenly the room grew silent and the lights began to dim. A single spotlight shone at the front of the room, where they could see a bulge behind the curtains.  
  
At that moment Marcus's raspy growl washed over them, ten times louder than normal, "Slytherins and losers, please give it up for the magical stylings of," a drum roll sounded in the distance, "Ruby Carmine!"  
  
The bulge stayed behind the curtain for the time being, but began to sing, "Ask any of the chickies in my pen  
  
They'll tell you I'm the biggest mother hen  
  
I love 'em all and all of them love me  
  
Because the system works  
  
The system called reciprocity..."  
  
At this Draco leapt out and onto the staff table, clad in a very low cut (and high cut) silver sequined dress, which reflected beams of light out over the audience. He began to jiggle his fake breasts and dance around, shaking his moneymaker at all the professors. But the song didn't stop there, "Got a little motto  
  
Always sees me through  
  
When you're good to Mama  
  
Mama's good to you."  
  
He jumped off the table and began sauntering down the middle of the room, admist disbelieving stares from his fellow classmates, "There's a lot of favors  
  
I'm prepared to do  
  
You do one for Mama  
  
She'll do one for you,"  
  
With that he winked and blew a kiss at Seamus, who looked shocked and a little frightened. "They say that life is tit for tat  
  
And that's the way I live  
  
So, I deserve a lot of tat  
  
For what I've got to give  
  
Don't you know that this hand  
  
Washes that one too  
  
When you're good to Mama  
  
Mama's good to you!"  
  
Harry slouched down in his seat, realizing with horror that Draco was coming his way. However, the indestructable force that was Draco Malfoy would not be stopped. He approached the young Gryffindor, spinning him around to face him, and sang softly and seductively, inches away from his face, "If you want my gravy  
  
Pepper my ragout  
  
Spice it up for Mama  
  
She'll get hot for you,"  
  
He ran his index finger along Harry's cheekbone and continued, "Let's all stroke together  
  
Like the Princeton crew  
  
When you're strokin' Mama  
  
Mama's strokin' you,"  
  
Draco's voice was barely above a whisper as he straddled Harry for a moment, then surpirsed them all by doing backflips back to the makeshift stage, "So what's the one conclusion  
  
I can bring this number to?  
  
When you're good to Mama  
  
Mama's good to you!"  
  
_______________________________________________________  
  
That night Draco arrived back at the villain's place of business, expecting payment. He was promptly shrunk to the size of a small rodent and placed in a cage.  
  
"What is the meaning of this?" he cried in a small chipmunk voice.  
  
"You didn't complete your part of the bargain."  
  
"Yes I did! You said you needed someone to perform, and that's exactly what I did!"  
  
The villain put his head in his hands and began to shake uncontrollably with anger.  
  
"Twiddles," he said finally, adressing his panda, "I think we need to seek outside assistance."  
  
"I know of two who might help. They're on the inside, the job will be easy."  
  
"Who are they? I must go to them."  
  
_________________________________________________________  
  
He waited in their closet, giggling at the prospect of giving them a good scare. He could tell they were getting ready to turn out the lights, so he opened the door a bit, crouched down low, and sprang out, screaming like a lunatic.  
  
Fred fell out of his bed, and George screamed like a girl and pulled the covers up over his head.  
  
"Who the bloody hell are you?" Fred cried angrily, standing up.  
  
The villain thought for a moment; he would have to go about this very carefully, "that depends on who's asking," he answered smoothly.  
  
"I'M ASKING, YOU DUMB FUCK!"  
  
"Oh. You should have been more specific. I am the badguy."  
  
Fred blinked, "do you have a name?"  
  
"Cheese Flavored Dingo."  
  
"Excuse me?"  
  
"That will be my code name for this operation."  
  
Fred took a deep breath, trying not to get angry, "why are you here?"  
  
"I'm here beca-"  
  
"WAIT!"  
  
They both looked at George.  
  
"Do we get code names too?"  
  
Cheese Flavored Dingo smiled brightly, "why of course you do laddie! Skunk Boy and Bill."  
  
"I call Bill!"  
  
"No no no," Fred said shaking his head, "I refuse to let either of you call me Skunk Boy. What do you want from us?"  
  
"I'm here to charge you with a holy crusade."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"No, but it's still a noble mission."  
  
"How noble?"  
  
"Actually, I lied about that too. All you have to do is get Harry Potter to take a bite out of something."  
  
"Err... why?"  
  
"Because I need his tooth prints."  
  
"Ummm... alright then."  
  
"Good. I expect your assignment to be completed by Friday."  
  
_______________________________________________________  
  
"Hi Fred, hi George."  
  
"Bill."  
  
"Come again?"  
  
"Call me Bill."  
  
"Err... ok."  
  
"And he's Skunk Boy..."  
  
"DAMMIT GEORGE! I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME THAT!"  
  
"Bill ."  
  
"Er, was there something you two wanted?" Harry interrupted, giving them a strange look.  
  
"Yes, we were just wondering if perhaps you might want a bite of this juicy apple, my pretty," George replied, stroking the apple menacingly.  
  
Harry turned and walked away extremely fast, not looking back at all.  
  
Fred slapped his twin on the back, "good going, you scared him off."  
  
"Don't worry, I'll think up a plan as soon as we get to the underground lair. TO THE BATMOBILE!" He cried, pointing a finger in the air.  
  
"We don't have a batmobile."  
  
"Okay. TO THE REALLY COOL CAR THAT'LL BE BEHIND THAT DOOR!"  
  
Fred shook his head.  
  
"Fine. Then can we just run around really fast and make car noises?"  
  
Fred turned and walked away, faster than Harry had.  
  
___________________________________________________  
  
"Sirius, I need your advice on something," Harry said quietly as he talked to his godfather through the fireplace that night, after everyone had gone to bed.  
  
Sirius gave him a look of concern, "what is it Harry?"  
  
"Well, I think I have a problem. You see, a bunch of odd things have been happening to me lately and-"  
  
"Oh," he cut in, giving Harry a moronically cheesy smile, "no need to say anymore, I think I know what this is about."  
  
Harry looked hopeful, "you do?"  
  
"Of course... it isn't hard to see. After all, you are a growing boy, and we all have to mature eventually, some a little faster than others. But there is no need to worry, the feelings you're experiencing are completely normal."  
  
"No that's not what I meant-"  
  
"And further so, I want you to understand that your being gay will in no way affect how proud I am of you..."  
  
"what?"  
  
"Oh come on Harry, we can't keep secrets like these hidden forever, can we? It was only about a month or so before your father and mother realized that there was something going on between Remus and I-"  
  
"WHAT?"  
  
"And I just want you to know that if you ever have any questions, no matter how strange or absurd you think they may be, please feel free to ask me. Well I must go, I'll talk to you later son," he was gone in a flash, before Harry had time to respond.  
  
__________________________________________________________  
  
"Help me! Help me!" Draco cried, in his tiny rodent voice at the sound of footsteps coming closer to the room.  
  
The villain pointed his wand at him, "quiet you!"  
  
The door burst open and Fred and George ambled in.  
  
"Did you get it?" he cried excitedly, for a moment forgetting that he was pointing his wand at a tiny person while a panda stood in the backround, trying on wigs and reorganizing it's makeup collection.  
  
"No. But it just occurred to me that we never discussed any form of payment and-"  
  
"Look Fred! It's a tiny little Malfoy!" George cried, running up to the cage and pulling open the door.  
  
"No! Put me down! I don't deserve this kind of treatment!"  
  
Draco struggled to get out of George's grasp, only to fail miserably and give up ten seconds later.  
  
George petted him roughly, "can I keep him, Fred? I think I'll call him... Robert."  
  
Fred turned back to Cheese Flavored Dingo, "as I was saying, if we do this oddly specific task for you, what's in it for us?"  
  
"Why... I suppose I shall grant you one wish each."  
  
They turned to look over at George, who had stolen some of the Panda's makeup and was now preparing Draco for a prom involving a cornish pixie and miniature togas.  
  
"Can I have his wish?" Fred asked quickly.  
  
____________________________________________________  
  
"Harry, old chap... I was wondering if I might interest you in a fine pastry," Fred said, giving him a winning smile.  
  
"Er... no thanks Fred, I just got done breakfast," Harry replied nervously, remembering his last confrontation with the twins.  
  
"Oh but I really think you will enjoy this, Harry," Fred countered, blocking his path, "here, why don't you have a bite... just one bite... come on, everyone else is eating them."  
  
Harry looked around, noting that the hallways had cleared and he was now alone, "I have to get to class," he said meekly, trying to move past.  
  
Fred pushed him into a conveniently placed empty classroom and locked the door.  
  
"Now Harry, I'm not asking you for much. Just... take a bite. It's that simple," Fred stated, a strange smile coming over his face as he got closer and closer to the yong Gryffindor.  
  
"DAMMIT! WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I'M GAY?" Harry suddenly shouted, startling Fred.  
  
"Uhm... er... I didn't think you were gay, Harry."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"No. But I do now."  
  
"Right," Harry nodded in understanding, "well, that was enlightening and all, but really, I must be going."  
  
"I don't think so," Fred replied, pushing Harry into a seat, "you're going to sit here until you take a bite of this pastry."  
  
"You can't keep me here!"  
  
Fred waved his wand around and vines shot out of it, tieing Harry to the chair, "I can stay here all day if need be. It's all up to you now, Harry."  
  
"Who are you working for?"  
  
Fred looked thoughtful, "I'm not entirely sure. All I know is I get a wish if I do this. Anything I want."  
  
Suddenly they heard rustling outside and the door was opened.  
  
"I thought you locked it?" Harry asked giving Fred a confused look.  
  
Ron and Hermione stepped in, staring at them in amazement.  
  
"Harry, I didn't know you were gay!" Ron said uncertainly, then gave a horrified look toward his brother.  
  
"I'M NOT BLOODY GAY!"  
  
Hermione assessed the situation, "Ron, maybe we better find another empty room. Things are getting way too kinky in here.  
  
Ron nodded and they turned to leave.  
  
"Wait! You have to come rescue me!" Harry cried.  
  
"No, we're not getting mixed up in any of your sex games, mate," Ron replied, pulling the door shut.  
  
_________________________________________________________  
  
Five hours later, Harry was starting to get desperate. Fred had fallen asleep, so he decided that this was his one chance to escape. He stood, the chair still attached to him, and inched his way slowly toward the door. He put his mouth on the handle and tried to turn it, with no luck. Finally, he managed to open it using his shoulder and the side of his head, and hopped eagerly out to come face to face with Proffessor Snape.  
  
"Potter... ?" He asked, for once not able to think of a nasty comment.  
  
"Hello sir, lovely day we're having, isn't it?" Harry gave him a charming smile.  
  
"Potter, I'm just going to walk away and pretend this never happened, because I honestly do not know how to feel about this situation..."  
  
"Wait! Proffessor! Could you untie me?"  
  
"Leave before I expel you."  
  
Harry obediantly hopped away, hoping to come across someone with an ounce of sanity left.  
  
"NO! THE PRISONER IS ESCAPING!" Fred cried, scrambling out of the room and diving head first into Snape.  
  
Harry used this diversion as an opportunity to start screaming for help.  
  
________________________________________________________  
  
"So, how'd your date with Harry go?" George asked, only half paying attention to his brother as he began feeding tiny Draco bits of shredded cheese.  
  
"It wasn't a date," Fred responded through gritted teeth, "and furthermore it went horrible. I think it's time we took more drastic measures."  
  
"Like what?" George asked, wincing as Draco bit his finger.  
  
"Okay, here's the plan. I need you to create a deversion. You think you can do that?"  
  
George nodded.  
  
"Meanwhile, I'll..." ______________________________________________________  
  
"Harry, what's wrong?" Hermione asked as they sat down to dinner, a bit frightened for her friend.  
  
Harry took a bite of food and looked around nervously, "nothing! Nothing's wrong, and nobody's trying to kill me!" he gave a high pitched laugh.  
  
"Right... why don't you go to the nurse? I can take you if you want-"  
  
"No! I can't be alone with you! I can't be alone with anyone... big, loud, noisy groups. That's where I'm staying," he nodded vigorously  
  
They were interrupted by a loud squealing noise coming from a couple seats up at the same table. George jumped up and started dancing wildly, making as much noise as he could. All of a sudden, Fred dove onto the table, sliding right in front of Harry and grabbing his plate. He stood up and held it over his head, shouting victoriously before racing out of the room, George right behind. Harry ran after them, Ron and Hermione joining them as well.  
  
They all stopped in front of the door to the secret underground lair and knocked politely. Cheese Flavored Dingo opened the door, startled by the many people standing there.  
  
"EEP!" he cried, trying to hide his face from Harry, Ron and Hermione.  
  
"WORMTAIL!" Harry cried angrily.  
  
Ron and Hermione had to hold him back.  
  
"We have the bite marks!" Fred said quickly, handing the plate over.  
  
"Excellent," he hissed, turning around and skipping back into the room.  
  
They all followed him out of curiosity. He examined the food under a microscope, along with a 2 month old piece of peach cobbler pie. "Indeed, they are a match. Harry Potter, I am putting you under arrest for the eating of my pie."  
  
Harry blinked, "you... you're kidding, right?"  
  
"On the contrary young wizard, the eating of one's pie without one's permission is very much against the law here in the wonderful world of magic."  
  
He turned to Fred and George, "now, as for your wishes. Hurry up, I have places to go."  
  
Fred suddenly looked concerned, "you're really going to arrest him?"  
  
"Yes, indeed I will."  
  
"Well then, I wish for you not to arrest him." Fred replied nobly.  
  
Wormtail looked angry, but obliged, "very well then."  
  
Fred turned to Harry, "you don't have to thank me, your freedom is a great enough reward."  
  
Harry slapped him on the back of his head, "it's your fault I'm in this situation in the first place!"  
  
"And what will your wish be?" Wormtail asked, adressing George.  
  
Fred put an arm around his brother's shoulder, "think, you can have anything. ANYTHING."  
  
"Well in that case..." everyone held their breaths, "I wish for a tiny mansion, so my Robert will have somewhere to live."  
  
"Fine," Wormtail clapped his hands and Twiddles the Panda emerged carrying the tiny mansion.  
  
"If no one has anything further to say, then I shall be off."  
  
"Not so fast!" a voice cried from the doorway, "you're not going anywhere!"  
  
They turned to stare at Sirius, who had his wand raised.  
  
"Coverus Peanutbutterius!"  
  
"Kinky!" Wormtail said in a seductive voice, licking some peanut butter off his finger.  
  
Suddenly dementors stormed in and took him away, amidst pained cries from Twiddles and angry chipmunk shrieks from Draco to be turned back to full size again.  
  
"Well, I guess everything's okay, now that I've had my episode for the year," Harry said, sighing.  
  
"Yes, and we all want you to know," George said, turning serious, "that we will support you fully through this whole gay thing."  
  
El Fin. 


End file.
